Pollyannaology
12-Step Program

by Sharon Mendenhall

The first level of the Pollyannaology 12-Step Program is to recognize all your thoughts. Since most thoughts are very busy and don’t announce themselves by saying “Howdy, I’m here!” it will be up to the beginning member of the program to pay attention and make the first approach.

You will notice that your thoughts are just like somebody’s little sister who is always running through and tattling on someone. Your thoughts are tattling on your Beliefs all the time like a messenger service. Beliefs are actually concentrated in the Intent Bar and chewin’ on big cigars while playing poker. Beliefs don’t like to be distracted, so they are always sending the thoughts out to get the pizza. The very individualistic and opinionated Beliefs are always involved in arguing over Perception, like Perception is the little hot chick in a short skirt serving the beer. Beliefs are always trying to get Perception’s attention. Some Beliefs are nice and polite, but other Beliefs are downright rude and pinch Perception’s bottom every time she goes by with her tray.

You would think that the prime objective is to win at the game of poker, but Beliefs forget that they are even playing poker and spend most of their time trying to influence Perception. Some Beliefs don’t make Perception feel very good about herself, and she tries to avoid those discounting Beliefs, but it doesn’t always work because the discounting Beliefs are sometimes the loudest and most aggressive. Perception is usually at a loss as to how to handle the situation.

At the second level, take Perception aside and tell her about Acceptance, because Acceptance knows exactly how to handle the situation. When things get out of hand, Acceptance can go in there and confront that rude and obnoxious discounting Belief thereby neutralizing him completely, because Acceptance can really kick ass. Acceptance knows how to put a Belief in its place. Acceptance doesn’t hurt the Belief; in fact Acceptance is actually quite respectful, but when Acceptance gets through talking to that discounting Belief, he behaves himself and is quiet for a long, long time.

When the ruckus dies down, this gives the non-discounting Beliefs a chance to influence Perception. Most of these Beliefs are very complimentary, and they tell Perception that she is beautiful, very intelligent and capable, and how much they appreciate the job that she is doing. This makes Perception feel very good about herself, and it also increases her performance. Perception can serve a lot more beer when the discounting Beliefs are behaving themselves. In fact, she will forget all about them, and just make sure the non-discounting Belief’s glasses are always full.

At the third level, you need to pay more attention to what the thoughts are saying while they run though the hallway of your brain on their way to get the pizza. Thoughts will keep you informed as to how things are going down in the Intent Bar. You need to classify that thought as telling you something that is beneficial to Perception or not beneficial to Perception’s doing a good job. This is important, because you always need to keep tabs on what’s going on in case you need to give that thought a message to take back to Perception. Perception doesn’t have a good memory, so you need to remind her all the time affirming that she needs to keep the non-discounting and complimentary Beliefs glasses full, and not serve the discounting Beliefs so much, even though they keep pinching her on the bottom. If you suspect that things are about to get out of hand again, this affords you the opportunity to call up Acceptance and send her in to help Perception.

It is important to you that things are going well in the Intent Bar and that it is prosperous, because you own the Intent Bar. Thoughts are there to help you manage the Intent Bar, as they are your employees. Sometimes you don’t like a particular thought, and wish you hadn’t hired him, but it doesn’t matter because there is a high turnover, and that thought will be gone soon anyway. So there is no need to try and restrain a thought or get into any kind of a tussle with him. As a good thought manager, you need to pay attention to your thoughts so that you can learn how to be an efficient one-minute manager, thereby freeing up your time for more pleasant activities.

Once you have mastered these procedures, move on to the next level by turning the page in your Pollyannaology 12-Step Program handbook.

At the third level, all members of the Pollyannaology 12-Step Program will be eligible to receive in the mail an absolutely free sample of the new and improved IntentVent and DesireFire. Simply fill out the form and mail it to the address indicated, or e-mail 12-StepProgram@Pollyannaology.com.

IntentVent and DesireFire are prescriptions to help you in the process of keeping your Intent Bar operating at the desired purpose.

IntentVent comes in a capsule and effects the nerve endings in the brain, causing them not to synap if the purpose is not in alignment with your original marketing plan. This prevents you from ever having to worry about the bar, it just vents it out into the ethers, and you know instinctively that you are always headed in the right direction. This is just like a roomful of professional consultants in capsule form.

DesireFire comes in liquid form and activates the energy center of the body providing an instantaneous passion for life and living. Once you have that intent and direction worry handled, you can really kick up the desire, and go like a bat out of hell. Take one IntentVent pill in the morning when you get up, and then feel free to suck on the DesireFire all day long. There will be no unpleasant side effects as long as you follow these instructions. If you suck up the DesireFire without taking the IntentVent first, you will only be increasing your worry, and producing an effect like Paranoia.

Both products are packaged together for convenience, and unlimited refills can be acquired at your local Panacea Pharmacy. Do not take while operating heavy machinery.

Fourth level.

Try not to think of a blue elephant.

(pause)

Ha, ha. You can’t do it!

This completes the fourth level.

At the fifth level, realize that thoughts are very illiterate, as they do not understand the word NOT. Do not waste your time trying to teach it to them either. Every thought is making a positive statement as it goes by, and you cannot correct them. If you say to a thought, “I do NOT want this to happen,” it translates in thought to “You do (somethin’ or rather.) DUH? want this to happen.” You can sprinkle a little DesireFire on those thoughts. It doesn’t change them, but will make them extremely happy and a little buzzed.

You can use the Pollyanna Patented Procedure for thought hiring. Outlined details are in your Pollyannaology Handbook. Pollyanna is a reverent agent that knows instinctively what thoughts are most beneficial to a business, without having to resort to using all kinds of aptitude tests. Pollyanna only selects the best thoughts.

At the sixth level, attend at least one meeting at the Our Lady of the Pollyanna Church. Tee shirts and keychains are available for sale in the vestibule. The church is located in the State of Grace, which is where Pollyanna lives.

Congratulations, you are halfway through the program, and are now an official Pollyanna Apprentice, but do not relax, as it gets harder.

At the seventh level, spend the afternoon at the Belief Beach. This will give you great insight about your Intent Bar patrons. Sometimes it’s a little more than you can handle, because this is a nude beach, and many of the Beliefs don’t look too good all naked like that. You’re used to seeing the Beliefs all dressed up in their little uniforms busy pushing the Belief Camera around. But this will afford you the opportunity to go swimming in the Belief Ocean.

Swimming in the Belief Ocean is good exercise. It will also acquaint you with how many different types of Belief there are, which is an infinite amount, more than all the fish in the sea, and as variable. You cannot help but bump up against Beliefs while swimming, which may, or may not be a pleasant experience.

If you get tired, as a member in good standing of the Pollyannaology Program you are entitled to several free rides on the Pollyanna Glass Bottom Boat, which will allow you to view Beliefs from a safe distance, especially those that dive pretty deep. Viewing Beliefs is very instrumental in learning how to recognize Beliefs, so that you can send Perception better messages.

At the eighth level, invite Fear into your house often for some chocolate milk and cookies, and not only get to know him well, but flirt with him excessively. Winking is acceptable. You want Fear to be as “smitten” with you, as he is with Pollyanna. If you have some cards around, ask Fear to show you a few tricks, because that always is a good icebreaker. You will have no trouble finding Fear because he is always on your doorstep.

Before you start playing cards with Fear, be sure and define the rules. You do not have to let Fear make up the rules, you can make up your own rules, but you must learn to be persuasive in getting Fear to follow your rules. If Fear says he doesn’t think that is right, and he wants to look it up in “Hoyle’s Guide to the Official Rules,” that’s just a diversionary tactic. Tell him you don’t use Hoyle. Fear knows a lot of tricks, but then so do you. You just have to remember them. You can win, but it will take some practice. Dealing with Fear can be enjoyable, however.

At the ninth level, take up gardening. Get yourself a seed catalogue, some kneepads, a trowel, and water can. Pollyanna is very good at planting the seeds of Self-reliance, Self-empowerment, Self-respect, Self-worth, Self-etc. You will find all those seeds in your Pollyanna catalogue in the Self-section. All those Self-seeds are extremely sticky, so be prudent when planting. You might want to handle them with soft gloves on.

Once you have dug little holes with your little trowel, and planted your seeds, you will have to give your Self-garden a lot of attention and care in order to get your seeds to grow. Water at least twice a day, even more is advisable. In this case, you cannot over-water. Once your little saplings begin to sprout, do not divert your attention elsewhere or discontinue tending your garden. Saplings must be reminded often that their entire purpose is to grow straight and tall.

If you notice that one of your rather bent saplings, suddenly grabs a straight and tall sapling by the roots and won’t let go, this is the beginning of the “Feed me Seymor” dis-ease. You must nip this in the bud immediately lest it will become a “Little Shop of Horrors.” This is caused from a Self-sacrifice seed being planted by mistake. Dis-ease control is noted in the index of your seed catalogue along with bug management.

At the tenth level, flip back to the last page in your Pollyannaology Handbook and take the “Why am I being nice?” quiz. This will determine what type of nice you are using, if you are using nice. There are two types of Nice, and because they are spelled the same they will be differentiated by NICE, and the Pollyanna recommended Reverent Nice.

NICE is an anagram for Not In Complete Esteem. This is the type of Nice where you are being nice because of not having an affluent Self-esteem garden. You are actually looking for Outside Validation, whom we all know is very undependable. This means you are being helpful because you expect something in return. This produces the same affect as MEAN. MEAN is when you are Mirroring Each Attribute Disaffirmed in yourself, and you would just like to slap the shit out of someone else. A lot of people are MEAN when they react to Pollyanna. NICE and MEAN are just opposite ends of the same stick, and we all know about the judgment stick.

The Pollyanna Reverent Nice, is when you are nice because you genuinely respect everyone and everything including yourself. Reverence does not have anything to do with worshiping; it is the honoring of another’s Intent Bar, whatever it may be. Different bars attract different Beliefs, but every bar is listed in the Fortune Five Hundred. You job is not to try and put someone else’s bar out of business, or try to make their bar exactly like yours. Your job is to just take care of your own bar. If you don’t like their bar, just don’t ever go there, and you don’t have to let them into your bar either.

You can keep undesirables out of your bar by employing Pollyanna’s bodyguards. The reason that Pollyanna always has that upbeat attitude is because her highly trained and professional bodyguards will not let anything by that will dissuade her. A bodyguard phone number is listed in your handbook.

At the eleventh level, you get the badge and learn the secret handshake. You cannot know the big secret unless you are a member in full standing, and have completed all the other levels, but you can have a clue. Perception has two jobs. At her other job, she works with the Belief Camera Crew and adjusts the focus lens.

Pollyanna is very good to Perception by communicating a lot, giving her gifts, and always making her feel good about herself. I think this is why Pollyanna can manifest the best damn reality this side of the Mississippi. Pollyanna is a very smart businesswoman. You know, don’t you, that you have to pay for this course.

At level twelve, badge and handshake are required. It is an extended field trip to the most effortless and coolest reality this side of the Mississippi. Yours.

Pollyanna accepts Visa, Master Charge, and American Express. For course order forms e-mail 12-StepProgram@Pollyannaology.com

One-Minute Manager Hints

There are many suggestions to managing an Intent Bar so that it will reach its highest level of potentiality. The hints listed below will assist you in efficiency of management, thereby allowing you to pursue other activities in-joy.

Operate from a gut level. A good one-minute manager learns to use the intuitive senses, which will reflect in dollars and cent-es. You will determine what works best for you.

Offer employee incentive. There is a door down in the Intent Bar that is marked “No In;” other than that it looks pretty much like all the other exit doors that the thoughts bang through on their way to get the pizza. Only the thoughts that are going to get pizza for the non-discounting Beliefs use this exit door. As a good one-minute manager, you will soon learn to recognize the thoughts that are using the “No In” exit door, as they are full of confidence. They are nicknamed “knowin.” Those are really good employees, and instrumental to the success of your Intent Bar. You should give those thoughts some type of incentive, like maybe a percentage, so that they’ll hang around.

Concentrate on your Beliefs. Beliefs influence your employees, like the thought pizza runners and Perception. You want to provide the best working atmosphere for your employees so that they will do a better job, and cause you to become prosperous. Your employees also influence the Beliefs.

Provide entertainment. Acceptance is the best person you could have in your bar. Besides being very entertaining, she will capture the attention of all the Beliefs and keep them engrossed, thereby influencing them right back. Offer Acceptance a job, like maybe playing the piano, and pay her well. But don’t let her sing as Acceptance has a piercing voice. However, if the Beliefs are singing, that’s a good sign.

Faith and Trust have harmonious voices. It would be wise to offer them jobs also. They could accompany Acceptance by singing, and it would make a nice trio. It would also cause the Beliefs to concentrate on Faith, Trust, and Acceptance, rather then argue between themselves. This would take the pressure off of Perception, and anything you can do to assist Perception would be beneficial. Besides, the pizza runners are charmed by Faith and Trust, and it will put them into motion and cause them to bang through the “No In” exit door even faster.

Direct the flow

When the Beliefs get hungry, they will call on a thought pizza runner and place an express order. This is an expression of Belief. Beliefs are always very specific about their express order. Some of them are vegetarians, and never order pepperoni or sausage, and very few of them ask for anchovies. But Beliefs can get anything they want on their pizza, so orders are quite varied.

The thought pizza runners just memorize this, because they don’t ever have any time to write stuff down. Then the thought pizza runner gets right to expressing for the Belief, because that’s his job, and he has to do it like lightning. So he just jams through an exit door, and runs down the hallway of your brain as fast as he can.

Now, the thought pizza runners run right past you, on their way to an “In Counter,” which is where they get the express orders filled. The best you could ever hope to do, as a one-minute manager, is just sort of direct the flow, as they jam on out into the big world.

There are gazillions or more of “In Counters” because there are a lot of thought pizza runners, so you could say they will encounter a lot of “In Counters.” Every thought pizza runner has a cellular phone, and they just call in their express order so it will be ready and waiting in a box, under the heat lamp on the “In Counter.” This whole process is called an Occur-dance, because every time a thought pizza runner grabs the pizza off the “In Counter,” there is an Occur-dance going on in the big world. As you might guess, every Occur-dance turns out to be quite an occurrence.

Please post display exhibit in your Intent Bar