The CMPC Family Amusement Park

Grand Opening of

the Diversity University Attraction

by Sharon Mendenhall

I received a brochure and a letter in the mail this morning letting me know that the Grand Opening of the Diversity University Attraction in the New Shift Ride Pavilion is this afternoon, and I have been specially invited to be one of the first group of passengers.

This is the first full ride of the Shift that is now completely operational. I’ve also been asked to critique the attraction, and submit both that, and any additional comments I may have regarding my initial experience to their main webpage at shiftride.com.

It’s an attractive four-color slick brochure with photographs and a map. From the main entrance of the CMPC picnic grounds, immediately turn left after entering the House of Mirrors. Jump on the slide, and you will be deposited in the lobby of the Diversity University Attraction, gentleness or non-gentleness not withstanding. The photographs are of the lobby area, since the actual ride itself is unphotographable. The lobby is very tastefully done, with a marble foyer and large comfortable overstuffed couches.

There will be a live jazz band and fabulous foods prepared by the CCU’s finest chefs at the reception. Professor Tolerance, Ph D, Department Head and Designer, Ms. Pollyanna, M A, Valedictorian of the first graduating class of the University, and her associate, Mr. Fear, and Ms. Acceptance Of Self, Chairwoman of the University Support Association, will be attending. Formal dress is not required.

My first critique was of that damn slide. There are no brakes on the slide. I discussed it quite readily with the CCU butler that tried to catch me, but missed. He was very apologetic, and offered to replace the heel on my shoe immediately. I told him it was not necessary, since I had been working extensively with my shoe beliefs lately, and my shoes didn’t even match. He insisted on taking care of the problem, and presented me with a set of matching suede slippers with a sheepskin lining that were four sizes too big, and both made for the left foot. It was perfect, except it did not go well with my long maroon sequined dress that had torn up the side, so he tied a tablecloth around my waist. I looked pretty stupid anyway, so he completed the ensemble with some silk flowers from out of a floral centerpiece that still had pieces of green Styrofoam attached. He said, “Sweetie, you look bitchin’,” and patted me a couple of times, then readjusted the knot on my linen shawl.

I shuffled over to see Tolerance who also looked fetching in her fringed and tie-dye collection with the matching plastic beads that snap apart. She was wearing her very best set of rip-off Birkenstocks, which had been both painted and glittered, and wool socks. Tolerance was to give a speech, but she had forgotten her dollar store glasses, perhaps on purpose. Pollyanna gave an impromptu speech instead.

This is the first time I had the opportunity to hear what a Pollyanna would say, and I was impressed. Pollyanna talked about the ecology of the Earth, and the processes involved in returning the Earth to its natural state. She reviewed what has already been learned about the natural balance of the Earth, and how applying the simple principle of reverence to everything on the Earth which contains consciousness, which of course is everything, will assist greatly in returning the Earth to its natural state. She explained the principle of balance through diversity, and how every one and everything has an individual purpose, and the destruction of one item sets off a chain reaction like a domino. She also clarified how applying the principle of reverence will increase the empowerment of an individual, rather than diminish it, but because presently reverence has been assigned very little value, it takes courage to begin applying the principle of reverence.

As she spoke, I realized that Pollyanna was a personification of the principle of reverence, because she applied the principle first to herself, and then to others as a natural by-product. Presently, the principle of reverence is not given much respect, so neither is Pollyanna, because she has a natural self-empowerment that makes others, who are seeking outside sources of power, uncomfortable in her presence. I thought about the image of the budding orchard, and how every sapling no matter how straight, or how bent, would be reminded that their only purpose was to stand up straight and tall whenever Pollyanna was near.

Because I had gotten off on a mental tangent, I missed portions of Pollyanna’s speech, but I did know that her speech would be printed and available on the shiftride.com website, so I wasn’t worried about taking notes. Pollyanna introduced Professor Tolerance to the audience, and explained how Tolerance got the idea for the ride during the “Make Love Not War” sixties. Then everyone stood up to give Tolerance a standing ovation, and the doors to the ride flung open, and we all formed a line and entered.

The ride looks similar to a circular auditorium with metal theater seats on the outside facing towards the center. Pollyanna helped everyone into his or her assigned seat, and explained that it was up to each of us whether we wanted to be strapped in or not. If someone said they wanted to be strapped in because of Fear, Fear was right there to tell them that he had nothin’ to do with it, as it was entirely their choice.

Pollyanna walked over to a panel next to the exit door, pushed a button that dimmed the lights to total darkness, said something about have fun, and then exited through the door. Nothing happened for a few seconds, but no one spoke, although a few people coughed. I was thinking about how I wanted to mentally record every aspect of this ride, because in the blackness it would be impossible to take notes.

Then the room started to spin, or I started to spin in the room, I’m not quite sure how it worked. All I know is that instantly everyone in that room was instrumental in keeping the balance, because the least little variation in attitude would cause the spinning to increase to the point of intolerance. I’ve never taken acid, but this reminded me of what I’ve read about psychedelics. Besides an extreme intensity of color and sound vibrations, there was a breakthrough as though to the very core of essence, to the point that I felt I actually touched the face of God. The way I knew it was God, was because everyone kept saying, “Oh God!” Incidentally, God looks exactly like me. The secret to this ride, is for everyone to stand up straight and tall, and then the ride stops, but it takes a while to figure that out, something that seems like an eternity.

When the ride did finally cease, Pollyanna was right there to turn the lights back on and help everyone to the exit. I heard a lot of “Thank ya, thank ya very much, Ms. Polly,” as people limped out. As for me, I just shuffled.

I have completed my full critique of the ride, which consists of only one sentence. Oh, like wow, man!

E-Motion Ride

I just heard about the next Shift Ride that they are planing to open soon, although I could swear it’s been operating for a while, because I remember taking some type of similar ride before. I think they called it “The Menopause.”

Anyway, this is similar to one of those virtual motion rides where you get in, but you don’t go anywhere, because it’s on a bunch of hydraulic jacks, and it just bounces you around for a while. But it’s pretty effective, because when you’re done you will think you have been a lot of places.

This ride is supposed to take you through all the states, every one of them. I don’t know if it’s in alphabetical order, or what order. Maybe it’s from the State of Happy to the State of Sad and back again. It’s not a very long ride, but it will seem like a lifetime, or perhaps yesterday.

What you do is get into this container, and then your own Beliefs will shake that container as hard as they can, just like it was on hydraulic jacks, and you’ll bounce around, and go through all the states one right after another. And while you’re doing that, there will be some type of projection on the screen in front of you that will project images of the state you are in. I have no idea how they do that, but I understand it can play with your mind.

I still have this feeling though, like I’ve been there, done that.

The Shift Rides

Emotional Roller Coaster / Duplicity Balancing Act / Spinning Fast Carousel

First of all, is the magnificent Roller Coaster of Emotion Ride. This one sneaks up on you, because it takes a while to realize you are even on it. But the funny thing about it, is that once you get an image of yourself in that little metal car, speeding down the transition track, and holding tightly to the bar, there is nothing more to understanding this ride. It’s just motion forward, up and down. Slowly up, click, click, click. Then free fall, bottom out, and do it again. It’s fun to contemplate that next time you might just throw your hands up into the air, relax and enjoy the ride while screaming the entire time. I paint this ride yellow.

Then there is the Duplicity Balancing Act. This one is pretty cute, like a see-saw. Take any belief, and put its opposite ends on each side. Then run back and forth between them. When you head for one side it bottoms out, and the other side flips up into the air and gets a good jolt. This is fun, but tiring. To relax, just sit in the exact middle for a while and give it a rest.

Then there is the famous Spinning Fast Carousel, whose only purpose is to make you dizzy. The faster one spins, the greater the tendency to feel out of control, and the need to hold on tightly. But eventually you will slide towards the outer edge, and maybe even have to let go due to the centrifugal force. Then you’ll go flying out in any direction and land face down in the mud. Might even get bumped on the head, cry and scream out loud, whine or finger point. But this is all acceptable, as it seems this is the only way to get off this ride. I don’t much like this ride, and I can never figure out how I get on it in the first place.

Petting Zoo

Over in Animal-Land of the CMPC Family Amusement Park, is the Petting Zoo section. This contains the Big Barking Dog exhibit, the Giant Hamster Wheel, the Dead Mouse Toss, and the colossal Birds ‘o’ Belief cage. This is a very boring section and not what I would classify as an E-ticket ride.

First of all, you must notice the black sign with the big yellow block letters that states quite emphatically, “Do NOT feed. These things BITE.”

I run on the hamster wheel occasionally, for the exercise I tell myself. And then I’ll toss the mouse around if I can get to it, but normally it’s real crowded in there. I do like to sneak over to the birdcage and go in, because it’s never closed. I jump up and down and flap my arms like a lunatic, hoping to scare some of the birds out. However, some are way too roosted to be disturbed by my crazy antics. I’m thinking about shooting those ones right in the bird butt, to get em moving.

All in all, I don’t spend a lot of time in the Petting Zoo now, primarily because the goats are always trying to eat my purse. I like to wander over to Calliope’s Merry-Go-Round and ride upon the fantasy for a while. Just something about the merry-go-round that attracts me, and always has. I think it just might be my favorite.

House of Mirrors / Tunnel of Love / Transition Train

I had forgotten that one can’t even get to the CMPC Family Amusement Park, without going through the House of Mirrors first. I always get lost in the House of Mirrors, like I think those mirrors are distorted, and not really me. I don’t look like that. But it’s fascinating the way I move. I like to stick out my tongue, or turn and wiggle my butt.

Every way I turn there is either a reflection of me, or an invisible wall to bump into. It takes a lot of “feeling around,” to get through the House of Mirrors, like a blind person learning to manipulate through the maze. Me using a different set of tools to move forward, one of touching and feeling.

And then there is that confounding Tunnel of Love. Who gets that there is only one seat on that vehicle that takes you through a deep dark tunnel, of nothing but deep dark tunnel? There is no one to love during that long trip, except maybe yourself. I suppose that is the point.

After that entrance, I jump right onto the Transition Train for a speedy trip over to where I need to be in the NOW. The NOW is so interesting. Add a “k” for “o-kay” and it turns to KNOW. I love being on the KNOW NOW, makes me feel so in the moment, or momentum for a better definition.

Yep, the Transition Train has a definite momentum to it, lulling if I wish it to be. A certain repetitive vibration that speaks, “You know you can, you know you can,” over and over. I chug along.

Mattersknott

Mattersknott is in the epicenter of the CMPC Family Amusement Park, for it is the central focus of the park. It is a very tall mountain, somewhat fabricated like the Matterhorn at Disneyland. And it can be viewed from any position within the park. It stands as a reminder, and anyone who desires to climb it may do so for the very same reason climbers arduously scale high mountains, because it is there.

Mattersknott is a central attraction, and the only reason one would exercise their ability to climb it, is not for the illusion of total enlightenment, but rather for the perspective that one has on its lofty precipice. From that pinnacle, everything below becomes insignificant.

I plant my own flag upon the tippy top of Mattersknott, and invite you to join me in celebration.

Wave Pool

The Wave Pool is a huge concrete structure similar to a gigantic swimming pool. At one end is a colossal wall that emits a lot of noise. This is the deepest end of the wave pool. From there, the bottom of the wave pool slants upwards towards the opposite end till it forms something like a beach.

Everyone enters from the beach side, and splashes around in the calm waters. But every once in a while, a warning horn will sound, and then a huge wave will come out of the colossal wall and flow down the pool, knocking everyone over.

I told Acceptance that at first I really enjoying going to the Wave Pool, but recently it seems as though those waves have been coming more often, and getting bigger. It isn’t always pleasant being knocked over by a huge wave. In fact, it pisses a lot of people off when that happens. I asked Acceptance if it was true, that the waves were building in both frequency and intensity.

She told me that it wasn’t an illusion, it was building, especially with this new improved 2000+ model version. That on the other side of that colossal wall was a separate pool reserved for the Belief Camera Crewmembers. And that only the Invalidating and Discounting Beliefs are allowed to go in there. Since that pool is very deep, it has several diving boards. She said that the waves in the Wave Pool are caused by the agitated waters on the opposite side, and when it reaches a point of intense disturbance it splashes over into the Wave Pool.

She also said that it seems that all the Invalidating and Discounting Beliefs are becoming very upset lately, and jumping into their pool is how they work off their frustrations. This is why the Wave Pool waves are building in both frequency and intensity, and it doesn’t seem as though this will change much in the near future.

I told her I really didn’t appreciate the Wave Pool. Besides, I think that warning horn is broke, but she persuaded me to go anyway. And you know, if you go into the Wave Pool with Acceptance, it isn’t nearly as difficult. In fact, it turned into being quite an opportunity to enjoy myself for the afternoon. I learned to surf.

Tsunami Wave Pool

Oh, and I forgot to tell you that I know about the next ride to open. It’s called the Tsunami Wave Pool. It’s similar to the other wave pool, except a whole lot bigger. It’s so big in fact that you and all your little Beliefs can surf. And you will want to be learning to surf, because option two is not that great. I mean, option two is where you stand on the beach and watch the tide go out for about 5 miles. And you then go “huh?” and while you are reaching over to pick up some dead fish, this big wave comes in and smacks your happy ass into the sand.

That just doesn’t sound like a whole bunch of fun to me, but I understand it is in the Shift Ride Booklet, and you have to take that ride whether you want to or not. They say it’s an E-ticket ride, but I would much rather have an A or B ticket ride, where I could just leisurely float down the lazy river in an inner tube, instead of getting my happy ass pounded into the sand.

I’m planning to begin my surfing lessons, pronto.

Criticism

Criticism is hard to handle. Unlike Encouragement who is always welcome, Criticism isn’t always easy to have around. Criticism has many faces, but the Criticism I know looks like a librarian.

I’ve had a hard time with Criticism in the past, because it always seems like Criticism is talking directly to me, about me. That is because Criticism gets up close to my face, looks me right in the eye, squints a little, like she is putting on her Mascara, and prattles. So, I think she is talking about me, but recently I learned different. Acceptance told me so.

Acceptance runs the House of Mirrors at the CMPC Family Amusement Park, and she has an office there, but no body has ever been able to find it, because it looks just like a mirror. Acceptance can watch everybody as they struggle through the House of Mirrors, and everybody has to struggle through the House of Mirrors first, in order to get to the party. At first no one can tell if there’s a mirror, or a window, or an entrance in front of them. It’s pretty funny.

If you haven’t been through the House of Mirrors lately, you have a real surprise coming. Before, if you wanted to get through rather easily, you just stuck your hand out to see if there was something solid in front of you. But that has changed, as now you’re not allowed to use your hands. You have to practice using only your inner senses. Acceptance said this is being done in order to prepare everyone for the BIG Shift Ride. I don’t quite understand fully, but that’s what she said.

Anyway, Acceptance was telling me that Criticism was the first one that went through right after she changed the rules, and it was majorly comical. Criticism always seemed to use her nose, rather than her hands to get through, because she is nearsighted. She’d get up close, like she was blind as Mr. Magoo, and touch with her nose. But since now she can’t touch with anything physical, you can just imagine what a hard time she had.

You could learn a lot about Criticism if you could watch her trying to get through the House of Mirrors using only her inner senses, because she has never used those senses very much in the past. She cusses a bunch. It sounds like she is in a bar on the waterfront. She goes, “Damn, shit, hell,” and so on, and takes almost forever for her to get through the maze.

Criticism is used to talking to everything like it is a mirror, because for her it pretty much is. If you thought Criticism was talking about you, you were wrong, she is talking about herself. I did, I always thought she was talking about me.

I asked Acceptance if I could sit in her office and watch, because I use to hate Criticism, but I don’t think Acceptance will allow me do that. But just visualizing Criticism trying to get through the new House of Mirrors is almost enough to cause me to change my mind about Criticism. I still don’t like her, however.