Hay Ride

by Sharon Mendenhall

Acceptance called me last week and asked me if I would like to go to the Zoo with her. It seems she has been given an assignment by the Cosmic Motion Picture Co. Public Relations Department to check out the new exhibit supported by CMPC.

I’ve been to the Zoo before with Acceptance, and she really enjoys watching me do that mirror thing while I am watching the Gorillas. She always gets a big bang out of that. I don’t know if I much like the Zoo, however. It’s like Disneyland’s version of a wild animal show. All those animals are far removed from wild. Wild is down at the local bar on the second Tuesday of every month, when they have the amateur topless night with two free beers. But she convinced me it was going to be pretty exciting, so I consented to go with her.

Acceptance picked me up in that “piece of shit” car she drives. This car is so old that the glove compartment box ceased to close right about the time we were sending the astronauts to the moon. Now, the passenger just sits directly on the springs, because the cushion has long since departed, and there is no hope for rolling the window down, unless I bring my own equipment. I feel lucky because the passenger door still opens, but closing completely is another matter entirely.

This car was build long before anybody even thought about seatbelts, much less make a law about it. That’s what is so unnerving about riding with Acceptance, because every ride is a “Hay Ride.” I mean, the whole entire time I’m yelling, “Hey! Look Out!” She is an offensive driver, to say the least. I think Acceptance invented “Road Rage.”

Anyway, Acceptance is ballsy enough to drive and talk at the same time, and although it is hard to concentrate on her words with so many distractions, she did manage to tell me about Jim.

Do you remember the Lowell Thomas wild animal show? The one where in almost every episode Lowell always sat up in the tree and watched Jim wrestle with the alligator, or whatever. I understand that Lowell died pretty comfortably. For all I know, he died in that very tree. Lowell was definitely one of those armchair explorers. I always wondered what happened to Jim, did he wrestle one alligator too many?

Well, Acceptance started telling me that Jim, who is alive and well, has been working for the CMPC since Lowell died. And Jim captured a species of animal, that up to this time, no one has ever seen before. And this was the grand unveiling ceremony, and how I would be so glad that I consented to come along, because it would be an experience I would never forget. (The ride to the Zoo was already an experience I would never forget.)

So we get there, and man, it is a big “ta do.” Jim is on a platform giving a speech, and all the media are warring with one another, each trying to elbow their way to the front to get a good shot. I didn’t get to hear all of Jim’s speech because of the commotion, but I did hear him say how this particular animal has been in existence since day one, but up until right now no one has ever captured it and put it on display.

Then bang, the fireworks went off, and the curtain dropped, and “Oh, my Gawd,” there it was. I can’t really describe it well, but you could get Acceptance to send you some of the publicity pictures. It looked sort of like that Dr. Doolittle pushme/pullme only much bigger. Strangest thing I ever saw. There was a head on both ends, and the heads were entirely different. One had a soft sweet kitten-like face, and the other looked like a fierce Komodo Dragon that wouldn’t hesitate to eat me for lunch.

It never moved, so I haven’t a clue how it gets around, but I suppose it must. I guess I don’t know a whole lot about this animal, what it likes to eat, or how it reproduces, or even how it poops. I don’t suppose anyone does at this point, even “Ballsy Jim”. But I do think there will be a serious study of this animal from now on.

If you want to see it yourself, look for the Duplicity Exhibit. It’s in the southwest section, very close to where they keep all those caged birds.

Caged Bird Exhibit

I forgot to tell you, if you do go down to the Zoo to see the Duplicity Exhibit, swing by and look at the Caged Bird Exhibit which is also supported by the CMPC. But, if you miss it, don’t feel too bad. It isn’t much of a display.

The first time Acceptance showed it me, all I could think was “Big cage, bunch of pigeons, who gives a shit.” But I didn’t say anything, because Acceptance seems to be quite fond of it. Then I noticed the bronze plaque on the side. It said, “Fully Sponsored by the CMPC and AOS.” Well, AOS is Acceptance herself; I figured that out right away.

Although Acceptance never said anything, I understood her connection. Acceptance has her own key to get in. So I guess if you don’t go down there with Acceptance, it’s not going to be too interesting. Anyway, she let both of us in.

Now, let me tell you there are a bunch of birds in there. I don’t know exactly what they are, but then, I am not a bird lover, so they all looked like pigeons to me. I mean, do I look like someone who would run around in shorts with field glasses hanging from my neck, recording birdcalls?

I wasn’t much interested in the birds, so I was looking at this really neat thing. It was a tree branch, and crawling up and down it were two lines of ants, each line going in opposite directions. It was about the coolest thing I had ever seen, because one line was carrying little bits of leaves about fourteen sizes bigger than they were. It reminded me of “A Bugs Life,” and I was looking to see if I recognized anybody. You know, like Princess Dot. Anyway, I couldn’t see any little tiny crowns on their heads, so I figured they all know who they are, and suddenly I heard a commotion.

Acceptance had one of those pigeons in her hands, and it was fluttering around like crazy, smacking her face with both wings. Acceptance walks right over to the door, opens it, and tosses that bird out, and it goes flapping off into oblivion. Then Acceptance walks right over to another bird, and does the same thing. I’m thinking, “Holy Shit!” I understand that Acceptance is a sponsor, but if she keeps throwing those birds out the door, pretty soon there won’t be an exhibit left. But then I started thinking, “Who cares?” It’s just a bunch of stupid pigeons anyway. They’re going to fly directly to Venice, and get in line for the free popcorn.

Acceptance threw out a lot of birds that day. And she didn’t even lock the door when we left. Maybe she doesn’t care if they all get out.

By the way, there are a couple more exhibits at the Zoo sponsored by the CMPC, that I know of. But it isn’t worth going to look at either one. There’s the Hamster Exhibit, and it’s even more boring than the pigeons. I could do that on my own, if I had a big enough wheel. And the Dead Mouse Exhibit. Yuck!

NASA

I heard on the news that NASA, (remember them?), is going to send one of those very expensive metal basketballs out into space to hang around an Asteroid in order to learn the secrets of the Universe. They said, and I don’t know how they know this exactly, that the Asteroid is from another solar system, outside of our solar system.

What! You think that Asteroid, like yelled that over? “Hey, how ya doin? We’re from another Solar System!”

Now you know what NASA means. It means Not A Single Achievement (since 1969). Yeah, even now in the Twenty-First Century, they’re still driving down to the local hardware store, and getting them a basketball. I saw that movie “October Sky,” maybe they should see it too!

I thought that was very curious, I mean what have those NASA boys been doing for the last 30 years? Do they have one of those jobs like my son, where they sleep till they get hungry, and then eat till they get sleepy? They should read a few books in that short span of time between the eatin’ and the sleepin’.

I have this image of the boys at NASA getting on the Shift Ride, holding the basketball. And it must be some really strong kind of belief, the way they are so unwilling to let go of it. Now, I have no idea what the Shift Ride looks like, other than the exit ramp. But I have a suspicion that the basketball is not going to like it one bit.

This belief basketball has been around for quite some time. I mean it was bouncing around Newton when that fig, or whatever the hell it was, bopped him on the head, and he went into some type of altered consciousness state. Even though Einstein did come along and sort of drop kick us towards the end zone, we’re still not really getting it. Then came the Quantum Theory War, and oh my. Lions, and Tigers, and Bears, oh my. If they want to know where cooperative consciousness is, it’s in the basketball.

Figure out the basketball guys. I mean, don’t let the air out and chop it into sixteen pieces. But if you do, and then stick it under the microscope, all you’re going to see is that cooperative consciousness waving back at you in their particle little waves, and saying, “Hey, how ya doin? We’re from another Solar System!”

This was so puzzling to me that I thought I might dial up Acceptance and see what she would say about this. Maybe I’m being a little hard on the NASA boys. That’s a pretty good job, and you do make a few bucks, and keep your family in that really nice life style, with all kinds of medical and life insurance. So, you do get to kick back a lot. So what?

Well I got through to her right away, but she was still all excited about the Duplicity animal. And she even had some pictures of the Hamster Exhibit, Lord knows why, that’s the most boring exhibit there is, outside of the Dead Mouse Exhibit.

But she had just joined the “Protect the Duplicity Association,” which is an association offered through the Zoo to protect the endangered species. Does she think that Duplicity is endangered? Well, she always seems to know more than I.

I thought we didn’t know enough about Duplicity to consider it endangered. Aren’t they still lookin’ for the sexual organs? I mean that thing has two heads, and no ass. And usually, that’s where the sexual organs are, right close to the rear end. Duplicity is a strange animal indeed. I mean, it eats and eats, but all that eatin’ goes exactly nowhere. Maybe there is a hamster wheel inside of Duplicity, and that food just runs around, and around until it wears itself out.

Anyway, Acceptance was going on and on about Duplicity. I didn’t even get to ask her if it was alright if the NASA boys had that real good job or not?

Now that I think about it though, I think she did say that if any of us could actually get through the Shift Ride holding tightly on to our own basketball of beliefs, then the exit ramp will definitely shake it lose. It was designed that way.