Fear of Judgment

by Ken Shaw

It is apparently a bigger factor in our life decisions than I, for one, had given anywhere near enough recognition to… until recently. Okay, let me re-phrase that a little.

Far too often I believe that I, and maybe you, tend to make decisions in life according to what we think others think about us, whether what we believe others think about us is rational and true or not.

This isn’t my supposition alone. Psychiatrists, psychologists, sociologists, and others have made this an “axiom” of psychological analysis for decades. So, largely our decisions about “who we are” are a reflection of how we think our world sees us based solely on our innate fear of being judged by those we hold dearest in our hearts.

In our youth we all tend to focus on what others think of us, because we are constantly seeking validation as worthy beings. Perhaps we’re just too young and confused at that point to realize that we should be developing our own innate uniqueness, as opposed to thinking only about how to look and act like everyone else. We all are acquainted with the “teenager” mentality that insists on either looking and acting exactly like the crowd or, as a rebellion born out of low-self esteem among other factors, to turn exactly the opposite direction and by doing so accentuate the differences that others see between “us and them”.

It’s relatively easy I think, as one matures and gains real life experience through longevity, to largely ignore the opinions of others as far as how they view your personality. So their judgments often lose their sting over the years. I know that has been my experience, at least, and of course that explains what I believe is often mistaken for arrogance and self-importance in my personality by those who don’t know me very well. Guess what! I don’t care!

But then, I’m old, so I can usually get away with that. The older you get, the more people seem to consider you “eccentric”, “cantankerous”, and sometime just plain stubborn. Either that, or they tend to just leave you alone, cause you’re an A-hole… in their opinion.

However, those I love and hold closest to me have been given by me a special privilege it seems, to judge me at will, and because I love them, those judgments are sometimes extremely important to me. I find myself making every effort, in fact, to anticipate those judgments and adjust myself and/or my actions accordingly. So in effect I begin living the life that I THINK those I care about the most think I should be living.

Therefore the most precious and valuable aspect of me… “who I AM”, has just been relinquished to those I love and care about most based solely on the importance that I myself have given these “loved ones” in my reality. This process for me, and maybe you, is somewhat seamless and it occurs almost without notice. It’s only when I’m forced by circumstances I’ve drawn to myself to face this “truth” in my reality, that I find it necessary to analyze and pontificate on the subject.

Of course, there is a “flip side” to this coin that causes me to recognize these thoughts and be moved to express them in print. The fact that I’ve been learning over the past few years to view my reality differently has brought all of these conjectures and musings to mind. That too is by design ‐ the design, I believe of my own “essence”, my own “guiding light”… my soul/spirit/source… All That Is.

It is specifically this Essence that spurs me on in my life to experience the fullest of every situation I encounter, and in doing so, live life to it’s fullest for my Essence’s sake. After all, this body will someday turn to dust, but that Essence has, does, and will exist forever, in my belief. So it is that Spirit that has taught me to view life moment by moment by moment… focusing on this NOW moment, always. Secondly, it has shown me the true value of living life from the “inside out” rather than from the “outside in”.

Ever heard the phrase “garbage in ‐ garbage out”? I know that that phrase was coined about an entirely different subject (computers). However, my physical mind is mostly a computer of a different sort, but a computer, nonetheless. Living life based on what you think others think about you is living your life from the “outside in” and will, I believe. lead to ultimate dissatisfaction in your relationships, your station or status in life and your general overall sense of well-being. That last part is pretty important to me, because since passing the “Big Six O” a couple of years ago, “Well-Being” is a very big part of my life. I believe my physical health is very greatly connected to my sense of well-being.

My spirit reinforces my belief that I am “phenomenally healthy” simply because of the enormous regard I have developed in my conscious waking reality for the overwhelming capabilities of this magnificent creation ‐ the body that my Essence created for me by “focusing attention” on this dimension and the resulting “physical me” has been given the responsibility for maintaining that remarkable creation.

I maintain that creation (my reality) by what I think of ME. If I believe I’m a victim, then I act like one and those I interact with will pick-up that energy and react accordingly. In other words, I’ll be treated like a victim and will draw to me those experiences that mirror or reflect that belief in my whole reality. If I believe, on the other hand, that I’m a unique and magnificent creation of a distinct part of “All that Is”, then so be it.

“I AM”, to quote a very notable spirit.

Okay, so that’s just my take on things, and you may agree or not. That is of course your choice. But to bring the thought back full circle, it is my recent recognition through circumstances I’ve drawn to myself, that living and expressing thoughts that mirror my inner being, rather than the outer stimuli that I draw to myself is a much more satisfying approach in the long term and has allowed me to accept what others think of me, without causing me to drastically alter “Who I AM”. After all, if I am creating all of my reality, as is my belief, then what I think others think about me is also a creation of my own and is a reflection of my own thoughts about myself.

I’ve drawn these recent experiences to myself that have brought about this thought process in the first place for the simple purpose of recognizing these truths.

“Please… pay… attention to the man behind the curtain!” (paraphrased of course)