TRUST

by Sharon Mendenhall

In continuation of Sharon’s humorous exploration of issues with Trust, started in the sixth issue of Wisp…

The Stockbroker

There’s a little known fact about Trust that I would like to share with you. Everyone thinks that since Trust can be such an airhead at times she’s unable to hold a job outside of the CMPC help line. But that isn’t true. Trust not only has a full time job, she’s also a successful stock broker. And she’s such a good stock broker, that accounts are named after her.

There’s a rumor going around, that if you put your stock in Trust, you’re guaranteed some high dividends. At least I think that’s what the rumor says. Could be, where your trust lies, you manifest your reality. That stock business confuses the hell out of me.

I let Trust handle it for me.

The First Shift Bank of Trust

The First Shift Bank of Trust is open for business. This is about the best news since they announced sliced bread. Of course, it didn’t take very long to build the bank, because it only consists of a huge parking lot, and one ATM. As with most fiduciary institutions that are concerned about image, the First Shift Bank of Trust has opted to appear the same as most well known banks. This means that the ATM machine looks like most every other ATM machine on the blue planet. It also includes buttons written in Braille, as a reward for any blind person that is able to drive up to the machine without destroying it.

You can get your own plastic card with magnetic stripe, sixteen-digit number, expiration date, and personal PIN. PIN means, Personal Identification Number, in bankspeak. You get to make up any ole number you want as identification. Personal PIN could also mean Put In Number, because that is exactly what you do after you put in the card, but at the First Shift Bank of Trust it also means, Put In No-doubt.

This machine doesn’t care who you are, so there is no video camera to take your picture, and keep it on record just in case you suddenly decide to wrap a chain around it, hook it to the bumper of your car, and drag that motha’ back to your house for convenience. In fact, I don’t think this machine is even bolted down. And it looks like it’s made of heavy metal from a distance, but when you get up to it you see that it’s pretty flimsy. It does have a computer screen where you can watch a DVD during the transaction

A lot of people just drive off in confusion, because they think that the machine is broke, but I guarantee ya that the machine is far from broke. You just need to work up the courage to try it.

The first thing you have to do is get your no-doubt in order. It’s not like you have to endorse the back of your no-doubt, but there is some affirming involved. There is a zone in the parking lot designated for this. This zone is not marked, so the way that you know you’re in it is by the feel, but everyone knows when they’re zoning. That’s when everything is going so right for you, that you are full of confidence and know you can’t make any mistakes. You have to have a whole bunch of no-doubt to be zoning.

Then you are ready to drive right up to the machine and punch in your no-doubt number that you get to make up. This machine does not spit out a piece of green paper with an attractive portrait of a very dead person on it. They keep their attractive portraits of dead people in other areas. So, no sense waiting around for anything else to happen, unless you’re really into the DVD.

All you have to do is trust that Prosperity will find you, no matter where you are, and give you some pretty nice gifts. It always works.

If you have any additional questions, call Trust at the CMPC help line.

Stock Option

I called up the CMPC help line, and asked Faith if I could talk directly to Trust, because it was about a stockbroker item, and I haven’t been able to get her at the office. Faith patched me right through.

Trust asked me what I wanted, and I told her that I thought I should be investing in some of that security software stock, since this was a really huge technical crisis that’s been rocking computers around the globe.

Well, I waited a long time for Trust to answer. I heard this little “snicker,” and then I heard it break out into a laugh that was so loud, I’m sure she was peeing her pants right there on the chair. Not only that, then I hear her whisper somethin’, and then I hear Faith laughing in the background.

Well, I don’t know what she said, but I started to feel a little insecure, so I just hung up. I didn’t want Acceptance to get on the line, because I could only guess what she would have done.

Oh, by the way, I was on the MBS Transit Bus at the time, calling from my cell phone.

Respond-ability

I was feeling uneasy about my previous conversation with Trust, which consisted of her just laughing. I thought I would try calling her at the office and getting some clarification regarding what she does as a Stockbroker. That stock stuff really confuses me. Anyway, this is a transcript of our conversation. I keep reading it over and over, but I still can’t make heads or tails.

Transcript

TRUST: I deal exclusively in common stock called S-Sense. Everyone holds 100% of S-Sense. So every one has their own S-Sense Trust Account that they may draw against at any time. Some people forget about their S-Sense Trust Account and unknowingly give away their valuable stock depending on their RESPONSE-ability. If you believe you have a margin of obligation to or for another person, then you are giving away your personal stock under the heading of personal responsibility. My job is to remind people about their unlimited Trust Account, and help them to improve their RESPOND-ability. How you respond to another person determines if you are giving away your valuable asset or not. The idea is to invest in yourself. Do you understand?

ME: No.

TRUST: My name is Trust to remind you to trust in yourself. Anytime you are uncertain about the status of your self-stock, call me on me. Eventually you will understand my purpose.

ME: I hope so. Is there a charge for this service?

TRUST: No.

ME: Well, thank you very much.

TRUST: You’re welcome.

ME: Goodbye.

TRUST: Goodbye.

Click.

Self-Stock Transactions

I called up Trust one more time just to see if I could understand this stock thing a little bit better.

ME: Let me see if I understand this correctly. I have 100% of S-Sense, and it is very valuable. Is that correct?

TRUST: Yes.

ME: So, what if I want to exchange some of that for, say, a new car? Could I do that?

TRUST: Yes.

ME: How would I do that?

TRUST: All self-stock transactions are conducted at the First Shift Bank of Trust.

ME: But at the First Shift Bank of Trust, I still have to put in some no-doubt?

TRUST: Yes.

ME: Where do I get the no-doubt?

TRUST: You get the no-doubt from the “knowin” thought pizza runners, that use the “No In” exit door.

ME: They will give me some no-doubt?

TRUST: Yes. But you have to learn to recognize them.

ME: So if I learn to recognize them, then they will just hand me some no-doubt as they go running by, is that correct?

TRUST: Correct.

ME: So if I take that to the bank, then how do I get the car?

TRUST: From the Trust Account.

ME: I just sit around, and then the new car drives itself up to my door on account of I have trust? Ha, ha.

TRUST: Correct.

ME: (Startled) Correct? Then how much would be left in my S-Sense Trust Account?

TRUST: 100%

ME: So if there’s always 100% in my S-Sense Trust Account why would I care about giving it away with that Respond-ability thing?

TRUST: That is when you forget you have an unlimited Trust Account to access.  

RESPONSE-ability is putting your stock into something or someone else, while depleting your own.  

RESPOND-ability is learning to improve your knee-jerk responses to another, if they cause you anguish, so it will not deplete your self-stock.

ME: But my self-stock can’t be depleted?

TRUST: If you remember it cannot. You have to remember to access your unlimited Trust Account. That’s why you need me. I remind you to put your stock in yourself.

ME: Oh? Well, that all sounds pretty good, but I’m still confused. Duh!

TRUST: Call back anytime.

ME: Thank you.

TRUST: You’re welcome.

ME: Goodbye.

TRUST: Goodbye.

Click.

A-bun-dance

Ring, ring.

TRUST: Self-Stock Trust Account. May I help you?

ME: This is me. Okay, I’ve done all that. I collected some no-doubt from the “knowin” thought pizza runners, stopped briefly to zone, then deposited my no-doubt in the First Shift Bank of Trust ATM, watched the DVD for a few minutes, and then drove off. Go ahead and deduct that from my non-deplete-able Trust Account. When can I expect my new car?

TRUST: That depends on Proba Billy.

ME: Who the hell is Proba Billy? Is he driving my new car?

TRUST: We will discuss that later.

ME: So what should I do now?

TRUST: I suggest you do a Bun Dance.

ME: How do I do that?

TRUST: Dance around and shake your bun, and forget completely about the car. The new car will honk when it gets to your driveway. Worrying about it is detrimental to the process.

ME: Are you sure? This all sounds rather silly.

TRUST: Trust me.

ME: Okay. Dancin’ now!

TRUST: Goodbye.

ME: Goodbye.

Click.

Account-ability

Ring, ring.

TRUST: Self-Stock Trust Account. May I help you?

ME: It’s me again. I have just one more question.

TRUST: You’re supposed to be dancing.

ME: I am. But I want to know one thing. When my new car gets here, what will that prove?

TRUST: It will prove that you have account-ability.

ME: Account-ability?

TRUST: Yes, account-ability for every thing that happens for you.

ME: Kewl. Dancin’ now. See. (Wiggle, wiggle.)

TRUST: Goodbye.

ME: Goodbye.

Click.

Do Da Dance

Prance, prance, do da dance.
Do da dance of circumstance.
Have some fun! Shake your bun!

Confidence!
Excellence!
Abundance!
Commonsense!

Prance, prance, do da dance.
Do da dance of significance.
Have some fun! Shake your bun!

Big expanse,
To enhance,
The finance,
Or inheritance!

Prance, prance, do da dance.
Do da dance of happenstance.
Have some fun! Shake your bun!

Competence!
Affluence!
Coincidence!
Magnificent!

Prance, prance, do da dance
Do da dance to extravagance.
Have some fun! Shake your bun!

In a trance,
Exuberance,
Utterance,
Ambulance!
Whew!

How to access your S-Sense Trust Account

Trust sent me a brochure about “How to access your S-Sense Trust Account.” There is a lot of information on Response-ability, Respond-ability, and Account-ability in little tiny print. I would copy it word for word for you, but I can’t see that well. Anyway, you can call her up and order your own brochure if you want, but get a magnifying glass, because this is very much like the Cosmic Motion Picture Company’s Performance Contract with all kinds of little clauses and no pictures. I’m going to paraphrase some of it, then you get your own brochure, and see how close I am to being correct.

RESPONSE-ability: From what I can tell you don’t have any responsibility to anyone but yourself. You can tell other people to “go take a flying” and it doesn’t effect your S-Sense Trust Account in the slightest. The ability part is your ability to know this. Now you can response all you want, and it won’t effect your S-Sense Trust Account either, but you must know that you are making the choice to response, because right here in bold print, it says, “you don’t have to.” So the only problem I can see with your ability to response, is when you think you do, and for some silly reason thinking you do will effect your ability to access the Trust Account. That’s about all there is in this paragraph.

RESPOND-ability: From what I can tell Response-ability and Respond-ability are two different things. Respond-ability is like when people are throwing you fastballs, and you can decide whether to catch it and continue it into play by throwing it to first base. The ability part comes in your ability to react, because if you’re going to get all upset, because you caught the fastball, when you wasn’t expecting it, and now it’s smarting the palms of your hands, and you’re standing on the mound crying and everything, then you’re not a league player.

If you decide you want to play the ball game, then you need to be wearing your glove. If you’ve lost your glove, then you better go find it, because your mother is not responsible for knowing where your glove is. Neither is anyone else, even the player that threw you the fastball to begin with. All league players have really nice gloves to protect themselves. Now, this is not like the school where you have to play. It says right here in bold print, “you don’t have to.” You can tell your teacher that it’s “that time of the month,” and go sit on the bench, and it won’t effect your S-Sense Trust Account either. For some silly reason, standing on the mound and bawling your eyes out, because someone threw you a fastball, will effect your ability to access the Trust Account.

It also says in this paragraph, you may think you’re playing softball, and not hardball, but all the players are playing their own game. So part of the ability comes in not getting upset because you’re standing on the mound, in your cute little gym suit, examining your manicure, thinking you’re playing softball, and some other player throws you a hardball, and breaks one of your expensive nails. Other players are not responsible for your expensive nails.

Now sometimes you can get on a team where everyone is pretty nice. Those are the “Platitudes,” and they play every season. However, the “Platitudes,” are pretty boring after a while, because they are all a bunch of wimpy players. So if you want to get good at the game, where maybe you could quality for the major leagues, you could stop playing with the “Platitudes,” because you will never learn anything playing with them. But you don’t have to stop playing with the “Platitudes,” because it says right here in bold print, “you don’t have to.” So if you want to spend your time just looking good in your gym suit, that’s okay too. That’s about all there is in this paragraph.

Account-ability: Now this is the big mama, wazoo part, you know how they always save the important stuff for last. Account-ability is your ability to dip right into that Trust Account, and you can’t suck it dry because it doesn’t have a bottom. All you have to know are the directions to the well, and that you have Account-ability, which means you are accountable for getting to the well by yourself. It is very important to know that you are accountable, because your mother is not responsible for knowing where the directions are. Neither is anyone else. If you lost your directions, then you are just flat screwed.

Now here’s the kicker, anytime you lose your directions, you can call up Trust, and Trust will give you some directions. You don’t have to do this, because it says right here in bold print, “you don’t have to.” But Trust is advising that you do, because there is no charge for this service, so what can you lose? That’s about all there is in this paragraph.

Then there’s a whole bunch of additional stuff about your self-stock, and how to be investing, but my eyes are tired. I’ll save that for another day. Don’t forget, you can always call up Trust and get your own brochure, because I am not responsible for your brochure.