Harshsociations

by Jean-Baptiste Duret

We all have automatic associations which we don’t even think of. I once had a discussion with a friend where I used an analogy of paintings hung on our walls. Some of them we have owned for such a long time that we don’t even remember the time when they weren’t there. Sometimes, the walls are so crowded that we don’t remember there are walls or even other paintings hanging underneath — not to mention all that dust we don’t usually bother to clean, blurring the boundaries of the frames. In a way they have become part of the wall and oftentimes are obstructing the windows.

The motivation to write this article was triggered by a dream which was so intense, in which I was so involved, that I woke up as excited and irritated as I would have been in real life. This dream was an exploration of a situation at work and beside the information that was offered in the dream, what struck me most was what I discovered when I began to observe myself and my responses to it.

Surprisingly, I realized I was fascinated by aspects of work in my life, but I wouldn’t admit it to myself. Work is so “not fun”! How could one find “work” attractive? At the mere mention of “work”, I have this feeling of hopelessness and I become fatigued and exhausted. Using my analogy, I decided to have a closer look at my wall and its paintings.
At first glance there are so many of them that I can’t identify one precisely, and furthermore the light feels dim. An impression of disharmony arises from the proximity of so many different colors, seemingly from different pictures, but with that dust, who can tell?

Something at the surface attracts my attention. What would happen if I were to direct more light in its direction?

Oh! one of my favorites of the moment: “At work people are so demanding and they are never satisfied and always changing their mind”… this one is a rough ballpoint pen caricature, one that I used to refine during the meetings. I realize I’m scribbling it on another picture, the planning chart of “a neverending project abruptly terminated”… I remembered that it was a gift for my first day a few years ago. I wasn’t even there for that project, this painting isn’t directly related to what I’m dealing with at work now! Why did I put it on my wall? Let’s see if I can remove it. It’s still moving, not as stuck as the others… Oh! another one beneath it… this one looks like a situation from my first work experience, it didn’t go so well either: “I’m a victim, they wouldn’t help me, I can’t possibly ask questions for fear of appearing dumb or incompetent”. What is it doing here, I don’t like it. Ah! Look at what is hiding underneath… one of my successful projects, people were very satisfied with what I was doing. It’s half covered by yet another one, rather unpleasant: “I’m thrust in the middle of a pool of indecision, the water is murky and I’m bumping into a big deflated rubber duck while the vicious swimming instructor uses his pole to keep my head under the surface.” I didn’t know I had so many variations in my collection of victim-mood pictures!

I could go on and on for quite a long time, finding nicely executed miniatures and triptychs, even those old ones from my childhood called “holidays with my aunts” (1, 2 and 3), an uninteresting project at school titled “connect the hotspots dots”, and a training course in an astronomical department, “counting stars”…
Long story short, I had been putting together not only paintings from my own experiences but also paintings from others, not directly connected to me. The overall view allows us to find those grouped by a common theme and at times they are appealingly organized and the pattern is familiar, but we can also find hastily forgotten heaps in a dark corner of the room.

For a few months I have been moving in the direction of incorporating more fun and movement in my job. I want to be my own employer, and I want to incorporate more of my own direction in my working life. A look at these paintings on my wall and it appears so daunting that I don’t feel the urge to accomplish it quickly. I have spent so much time piling up all those paintings that I now have a hard time remembering under which one(s) are the door and the windows. If changing my job is a step toward this realization, it also means having to comply with other people, different rules, would I know what to do? How to appear? A world of fakeness…

Don’t be so harsh with yourself,

Take a break!

An unexpected picture popping up out of this crowded wall of harshsociations reminds me of the benefits of interrupting the inner drums of self beating. We can use any moment as a stop-point and remove ourselves from this cacophony to evaluate the situation more comfortably.
From this place of inner calm, the intensity of my responses to these associations shows me that there is a tremendous amount of energy readily available for the realization of what I want to create. I don’t need to peel off all these layers of paintings first, just be aware of them and their position and (re)move those that are blocking or obstructing the direction I want to follow.